It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
