I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
