you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
