I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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