That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
