i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
