fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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