Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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