member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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