Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker