I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
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I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
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Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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