I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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