dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
