Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
