you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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