If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
