South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
