There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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