Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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