I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
