you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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