so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
