Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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