You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
