Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
