I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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