I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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