i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
