Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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