wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
