naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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