Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
