i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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