I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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