I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
