Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
