dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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