I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
