Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
