So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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