I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
