My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
