There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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