I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
