I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry about my life...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
