Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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