Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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