If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
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casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
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Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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