His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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