Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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