it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
