Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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