tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
