You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
