Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
